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Kakamega Tycoon Toto accuses Senator Khalwale of Murder.

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It was too good to be true. And far too convenient.

On Sunday 28 January 2024, Senate Majority Whip, Senator for Kakamega, and el matador extraordinaire Dr Bonny Khalwale, CBS, stunned the world when he announced via his X account that his prize bull Inasio had senselessly attacked its minder and left him lifeless. “My champion bull, Inasio, has attacked and instantly killed Kizito Moi Amukune,” read the post, accompanied by a video released through his Boni Mtetezi Press outfit. “Moi has been the caretaker of my fighter bulls for over 20 years. In keeping with our culture, I have today speared bull Inasio to death.” This was pursued by a flurry of posts celebrating the champion bull’s life and exploits (ditto its minder’s), including re-posts of press reports of the unfortunate incident, before a rather surreal video of the good senator putting down Inasio in rather dramatic fashion. And all this would have passed like a ship in the night were it not for that meddling Cleophas “Toto” Shimanyula.

In a derisively scorching rejoinder to the episode, the tycoon, reputed to singlehandedly run Kakamega County despite holding no public office—so we can reasonably assume he knows what he’s talking about, right?—fired back with a  tremendous philippic against the senator. In the video, Toto alleges that Moi was killed, not by a furious bovine intoxicated by the fumes of molasses as claimed by Khalwale, but by a human bull drunk with the fury of betrayed passions.

The first red flag, Toto informs us, is that Boni Khalwale, MD, inexplicably proceeded, after the untimely demise of Moi, to wash the deceased’s body before police arrived on the scene. Now what might be the significance of this seemingly trite detail? Quoth Toto Shimanyula: “Mimi kama Toto, yule jamaa, hata kama sijasomea kazi ya post mortem, alidungwa visu. Na hiyo sio pembe ya ng’ombe…Khalwale alichukua hiyo ng’ombe kama sacrifice ya kusema kwamba adanganyie ng’ombe.”

But hang on…it gets even more bizarre: “Katika media na mtandao, alisema kwamba ng’ombe iligonga mfanyikazi wake. Lakini report ile tunapata, ambayo inahuzunisha sana, Khalwale ndiye alimuuwa mfanyikazi wake mwenyewe…tunaomba polisi, kama inawezekana, Khalwale awekwe ndani, ashtakiwe na murder. Ilisemekana kwamba mke wa Khalwale yule anakaa hapa nyumbani alikuwa mpenzi wa huyo mfanyikazi wake. So, Khalwale akaamua kwa hasira huyo mjamaa na mwenyewe akakuja tena akamuosha na kusema kwamba ng’ombe imemgonga,” he reveals, among other tales of the macabre.

And as the cookie crumbles, public opinion seems to be currying favour with Toto’s conclusions. Even as early as Sunday, observers of Khalwale’s post(s) appeared to cast aspersions at his version of events. “Bullfighter Boni Khalwale is guilty until proven otherwise,” noted one commentator. “This Khalwale killer-bull is taking another angle and ni kama iko kitu,” retorted another. All said and done, investigations have commenced and the truth of this debacle will no doubt be unearthed. But if what Toto is claiming is true, then we know how this thing ends, if Walukhe’s, Didmus Barasa’s, Wetangula’s, and Ken Lusaka’s cases are anything to go by. We’d be better off focussing on more important issues e.g., how God loves William Ruto more than he does Larry Madowo.

“Hiyo kitendo imetuhuzunisha sana, na mimi nimesema nitashikana na familia ya mwenye amekufa, tuhakikishe haki ifanyike,” concludes Toto. “Na Khalwale polisi wasimfiche; DCI tunaomba wafanye uchunguzi ya kisawasawa. Khalwale ndiye amemuuwa mfanyikazi wake kwa sababu mfanyikazi wake alikuwa mpenzi wa bibi yake.”

And so we wait.

I listen to Spotify, write short stories, and draw pretty pictures on my MacBook Pro all day.

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